Defiance! Oh wait a minute
by Concept of a demon
Summary: The first genuine Defiance parody here! And I'm the one doing it. You schlusps better read it! Contains Defiance spoilers. (No really?)
1. Indiana Kain: warriors of the stronghold

Kudos.  
  
Mortalsora: Yes, you do need to update again. DO IT!  
  
Omega boy: Umm, how about Slayer's "Angel of death"? It's about Joseph Mengele......  
  
Mikoto: No, Kain is da man!  
  
A/N: MUAHAHAHAHAHAH! The first real Defiance parody is ready! Read it, bitches!  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Kain: given the choice, wether to make fun of Bush, or making gay jokes on Gore's behalf, since he's Bush's lapdog, what was a king to do? Apart from saying the correct lines. This may be a humour story- hold on a second (laughs at that)- okay, I'm ready again. So anyway, treacherous stars, corrupt empire, yadda yadda yadda, throw something at destiny, bla bla bla. Who writes this?  
  
Soul Reaver 1/2 flashbacks.  
  
Kain: But does one ever truly have a choice, when the author is a 15 year old dumbass, who thinks he's hot? Besides, one can only match, move by move, the masochism of fate, and thus use chess parallels to piss the stars off, so you win.  
  
Kain batforms it to the sarafan stronghold.  
  
Kain: (singing like Fred Durst) no one knows what it's like/to be the bat- man........  
  
He looks through a gate.  
  
Kain: And so I returned to the sanctuary of my enemy. The fortress of the Sarafan brotherhood, deemed impossible for any man to penetrate. (laughs) impossible for any man. HEY! IS THE SCRIPTWRITER MAKING FUN OF MY LONG HAIR AGAIN?! I'LL KILL THE BASTARD!!!!!  
  
Soldier at the gate: VAMPIRE!!  
  
Kain: Ooops........  
  
He slices the soldier's head off, with a clean swipe.  
  
Kain: Wow, I didn't think that was even possible in this game!  
  
He then listens to some nearby sarafans' conversation, since he's an eavesdropper. Bastard.  
  
Kain: HEY! (remembers what happened when he last shouted) Ooops, never mind that. Deep within these walls, my prey awaited. Moebius, the Time streamer, deceiver and eternal gangsta(!!!!), using living beings as his pawns. What is it with the scripwriters and chess? Were they nerds in high school, or what?  
  
Soldier 1: In the end, we managed to get all the young, beautiful maidens into the cart.  
  
Soldier 2: But we had already swept that area!  
  
Soldier 1: Not well enough, but no matter. We will have rescued them all from their virginity.  
  
Soldier 2: Lord Moebius will be pleased.  
  
Kain drops down.  
  
Kain: Sick bastards....... Hey, there's a way away from this crappy place! It was time for Moebius to answer a few questions. And I hoped for his well being, that he wouldn't be busy with the "cleansed"........  
  
Kain finds a woman chained to the wall.  
  
Kain: This better not be one of those up for "cleansing"......  
  
Prisoner: Please help me, kind sir!  
  
Kain: that's my cue! (promptly drinks her blood) From time to time, it's necessary to feed, and the unusual event of a feast prepared by the sarafan must be savoured.  
  
In fact it's a trap.  
  
Kain: D'OH!  
  
50000 sarafans surround him. And now I get a computer virus, so #¤%&/()=)¤#¤%&/()=?*^__\\€£€${€{$€{[$€$£$$£{[{]|@|}@]}]}$[€]@£}]€€[/&/&%¤ ¤¤§§§§§§½½½½24535265(//&%¤  
  
Kain: Done and done!  
  
Corey: Cheap Crystarr ripoff!  
  
Corey gets bathed in battery acid.  
  
Corey: Ouch!  
  
Kain: Please don't tell me I have to have Corey with me!  
  
Yes, you do.  
  
Kain: CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Corey: Get over it, goth-boy.  
  
Kain: Why do you always have to insult me?  
  
Corey: because I hate you, Kain.  
  
Kain: Dumbass.  
  
They come to a guard on a ledge, and Kain uses his UBER-POTENT ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS(!!!) to impale him on a stake.  
  
Kain (looking at the water: The touch of water is like acid to a vampire, as have been said in ALL THE OTHER GAMES BUT SOUL REAVER 2! WE GET THE FREAKING POINT! I had to find another way to pass. Coincidentally, a nearby 2 meter high coffee machine. He jumps over to the nearby ledge, then remembers that he forgot Corey on the side.  
  
Kain: AWESOME!  
  
Kain gets bathed in battery acid.  
  
Kain: Okay, I'll get him.  
  
He gets him, then drops him in the water.  
  
Corey: (floating away) I'll get you for this, Kain!  
  
Kain walks around, finding TK runes, to enhance his UBER-SMALL ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS(!!!), so that it doesn't run out as fast as George Bush after that spelling accident with the little girl.  
  
Kain: Enough with the jokes about my telekinesis!  
  
He finds a door sealed by magic.  
  
Kain: This passage undoubtedly led to the time streamer and his pervertedness. But the door was sealed by magic. As I was near the wall, the reaver did something that I don't know what means in response. Maybe it's power could f*ck the door up.  
  
He tries to smash the door. As a result, he gets shocked with electricity.  
  
Kain: Ouch! Nope. Didn't work. Maybe that floating head in front of the door knows something. Hello, skull thing, can you open the door?  
  
Door: ..........  
  
Corey: Kain, it's just a symbol.  
  
Kain: BLASTED!  
  
They move around, finding some archers on a ledge. They rain fiery death upon the two. Well, actually just Kain, since he's just standing there like a dumbass, whereas Corey has seeked cover under the ledge. With the aid of Kain's UBER-POTENT ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS(!!!), they kill the archers.  
  
Corey: Never mind the fact, that I shot at them with my rifle.  
  
Kain: Listen to me, you crazy bastard, this is MY game, so you suck.  
  
Corey: It's also Raziel's game.  
  
Kain: Yes, but I don't see your name anywhere in the title.  
  
Corey: 'Defiance'....... I don't see your name, either.  
  
Kain: Look at the 'Legacy of KAIN' part.  
  
Corey: Yeah, LEGACY. That's like heritage. The reaver could just as well be your heritage for Raziel.  
  
Kain: Shut up.  
  
They move on, and find a hallway, that sorta looks like the room that had William The Justin Timberlake's tomb in it in Soul Reaver 2. It looks smaller, though.  
  
Kain: Damn Crystal Dynamics and their environment changes!  
  
The door slams down behind them.  
  
Kain: Locked. What a love of doors these pathetic humans have.  
  
Corey: condescending bastard.  
  
Kain: Shut up, you little punk.  
  
They move on, and find a fragment of the balance emblem. (does that even make sense?) They are blocked from it, however, by an elevator, that is a ripoff of the bloody elevator in The Shining, but instead of blood, "milk" flows out.  
  
Kain: JUMP!!!!!!!  
  
They jump unto the nearby fence, and watch as sarafan soldiers are flooded away, by the uber-grossly river of unholyness.  
  
Kain: Looks like it's gone now.  
  
They jump down, and Kain retrieves the reaver emblem. Backstabbers swarm behind him.  
  
Sarafan: Sound the alarm!  
  
Sarafan: Don't let him escape!  
  
Sarafan: Surround him!  
  
Sarafan: Surrender, fiend, and we'll promise you an easy death.  
  
Kain: I could promise you the same, but it would be a lie.  
  
Corey: You just have to shake them off of you , don't you?  
  
Kain: shut up, Corey.  
  
They kill and kill again.  
  
Tom Araya: No appearent motive, just kill and kill again, survive my brutal trashing and I'll hunt you 'til the end..................  
  
Kain: Shut up.  
  
They pass a tv.  
  
Alex Trebek (on the tv): And now it's time for 'name this object'.  
  
Sean Connery: It's a man with a moustache.  
  
Alex: No, mr. Connery, I'm not the object.  
  
Kain: Blasted Concept and his blasted downloads from Denine.  
  
Suddenly, the channel changes, and we see Moebius sitting in an office, that looks remarkably as Bush's.  
  
Moebius: My fellow citizen. I'm pleased to inform you, that people are supportive of my agenda, and this administration. But a few people have criticised this organization. Maybe these people don't understand. Nosgoth is presently at war. Not just a war on vampirism, but we're engaged in a deadly standoff, with the Axis of evil. You know who I'm talking about: the Hylden. But my axis of evil doesn't seem to interest some people. They just want to talk about the economy and budgets, and time-traveling vampires.. I bet most of the people out there don't even understand time-traveling vampires. I sure as heck don't. It hurts my head to think about them. So from now on, time-travelling vampires are a part of my axis of evil. I don't want to hear anything else about time-travelling vampires, unless our forces has pounded them into submission. So look out, time-travelling vampires, you're now part of the axis of evil. So is the economy. I don't like the way the economy is acting, not very Nosgothian. It's evil. The economy is now a part of my axis of evil. Also, I don't like fellow circle member Mortanius. You know why? He's very critical. You know where that leads him? You got it. He's now a part of the axis of evil. So quick recap: That's the Hylden, Mortanius, time-travelling vampires, the economy, and don't forget the Hylden dimension. The Hylden dimension don't like me saying the axis of evil, so they are now a part of the very same axis of evil, that they don't like me saying. How do you like them apples, Hylden dimension? Next time keep your mouth shut. You mess with the circle, and it's straight to the axis of evil, you got it? The ancients were the original axis of evil. Maybe they thought I would forget, but I didn't. They're back in. Here's what you probably didn't expect. Malek. Now he's up to something, and I don't like it. He's never around. If I'm in the chronoplast, he's not. If I'm on a boat, nowhere in sight. He's very sneaky. Not to mention scary. I'm putting him in the axis of evil. For now. Evil Kenievel is going on the axis of evil, but that's a no-brainer. But Dr. Evil? No, he makes me laugh, so he's out. So you see, Nosgoth, there's nothing to fear, everything's fine. You go out, and just keep trading, begging and investing in glyph power. Don't' listen to what the economists say. Why? Because they're like math. And math is very much a part of the axis of evil.  
  
Kain: I'm really ripping that man a new one, once I meet him.  
  
Corey: You think this was a Bush joke?  
  
Kain: YEAH! It's a SNL ripoff!  
  
Corey: They ripped Bush off?  
  
Kain: Hell yeah!  
  
They find the fuked up Oroborhoboroschkowhatever chamber, and kill soldiers, then examines the bigass doorlock.  
  
Kain: Okay, why are they making such a bigass lock?  
  
Corey: So your dumb self could actually find the key.  
  
(ladies and gentlemen, it has just come to my attention, that I threw Corey down the river, so he's now going sailing again)  
  
Corey: Damn you, Conceeeeeeeeeeeept.........  
  
Kain: Finally free of the bastard!  
  
He works his way round the fortress, eventually finding the chamber with Moebius in it.  
  
Moebius: Yes....I understand....it will be done....the stage is set.  
  
Woman's voice: Can I get the milk now, then?  
  
Moebius: I wasn't talking to you.  
  
Kain: Not only is he a pervert, he's a schizophrenic pervert.  
  
Moebius: You needn't linger in the shadows, Kain.  
  
Kain: I wasn't. I was standing in front of you, kicking you in the face.  
  
Moebius: Oh yeah. Ouch! It has been a long time, hasn't it?  
  
Kain: No banter, Bush- I mean, Moebius, you know why I'm here.  
  
Moebius: Yes, Raziel.  
  
Kain: WRONG! I'm here to talk to you about that little speech you gave.  
  
Moebius: Shouldn't we just get on with the plot?  
  
Kain: NO!  
  
Moebius: You sought to introduce your own pawn into this game, and now he's been swept from the board.  
  
Kain: ENOUGH WITH THE CHESS PARALLELS! Where is he?  
  
Moebius: Perhaps you should ask......when. How humiliating it must be for you to come begging at my doorstep.  
  
Kain: God-damn Morpheus-ripoff!  
  
He steps forward, and Moebius uses the staff to immobilize him.  
  
Moebius: DON'T threaten me, Kain.  
  
The reaver falls out of Kain's hand, and lands a few inches from him.  
  
Moebius: You see, I have the upper hand.  
  
Kain: I know you have a hand. It's huge as hell.  
  
Moebius: Shut up. How remarkable, that the great Kain should succumb to the scepter's power like any common vampire.  
  
Kain: Cram it, you bald loser, I'm not mediocre like them.  
  
Moebius: Still so arrogant after all these years, thinking you've derived some brilliant plan. You know nothing. You have read the signs, but misread their meaning.  
  
Kain: No, you have!  
  
Moebius: No, you have. You believe you are that myth of Vampire prophecy, the Scion of Balance, and that Raziel holds the key to fulfilling your destiny. But your messianic delusions have blinded you to Raziel's true nature. You have no idea what you've unleashed.  
  
Kain: Unless it's a new Justin Timberlake, I'm not worried. Moebius: There was a time when you might have heeded wise counsel when it was offered. Now, your vanity has made you witless. You will have to learn the truth for yourself.  
  
He pushes the reaver towards Kain.  
  
Moebius: You'll be needing this. Your strength will return after I have departed. But by then, you will have more urgent concerns than pursuing me. Perhaps, when we next meet, you will have learned a little humility.  
  
Moebius leaves, and seals the door with some bigass key.  
  
Kain: Now if only I could find some bigass key. Oh wait, there's one at the door! Silly me.  
  
Some shades slap him around.  
  
Kain: Ouch!  
  
He kills them.  
  
**************************************************************************** ********** Now, give me 5 reviews! Not 3 like last time, damnit! 


	2. Raziel mocks God!

Kudos  
  
Kainsvampire: Did you recognise it? If you watch Saturday Night Live, you should be able to.  
  
DarkJakLuverandTora: Evil things, eh? I eat those for breakfast! Oh wait.........  
  
Ratface: But you've only read some of my stories........  
  
Angel-chan: HAH! Beat you to the punch!  
  
Omega: It's "Hypocrite". And no, I'm not offended. I haven't even listened to them so far, so it didn't matter.  
  
Mortalsora: Got the math part right!  
  
Warewulf: First off, yes, I was the one who wrote the Predator/Kain thing. Corey is an original character, who has been included somehow since my first story, "The Exorcist, Oh wait a minute".  
  
Mikoto: I still say Kain is cooler.  
  
HOLY SHIT! 14 reviews! For those of you I haven't responded to, sorry, but hey, how would you reply to something like "Funny as HELL! XD Lmfao!"?  
  
Also, you might want to not read this chapter, if you're easily disgusted. This chapter is kind of bad...............  
  
Raziel is lying in front of the Elder God, on his back.  
  
Elder God: Surrender, Raziel. Abandon this petty rebellion.-  
  
Raziel: Zzzzzzzzzzzz  
  
EG: WAKE UP!  
  
Raziel: Zzz- WOAH! Easy there, Zack De La Roach!  
  
EG: Don't insult me like that, Raziel. I don't have dreadlocks.  
  
Raziel: No, you have tentacles instead.  
  
EG: ENOUGH! It was I who made you.  
  
Raziel: Never heard of the flower and the bees, huh?  
  
EG: Shut up! Your life had played out, and in my grace, I spared you. You are my reaper of souls!  
  
Raziel: (plays with a scythe)  
  
EG: ENOUGH! (makes the scythe disappear)  
  
Raziel: YOU MESSED WITH MA REAPER! RAAAAGH!!!  
  
EG: Shut the hell up! God!  
  
Raziel: Why did you call on yourself?  
  
EG: Shut up, kindly.  
  
Raziel: You know, that's a very nice jacket you're wearing.  
  
EG: (not realizing he doesn't have a jacket) Oh. Thank you.  
  
Raziel: Where did you get it?  
  
EG: This place called Stern's.  
  
Raziel: Well, I'm gonna have to check it out sometime.  
  
EG: You should. Ask for Gary, and tell him I sent you.  
  
Raziel: I'll be sure to do that. It sure is a nice jacket. One more question.  
  
EG: What is it, Raziel?  
  
Raziel: Do they make them for men?  
  
EG: DAMN YOU, RAZIEL! SHUT THE HELL UP! Besides, you're the one without balls here.  
  
Raziel: yeah, you still have your testicles- I mean, tentacles.  
  
EG: ENOUGH WITH THE TENTACLE JOKES!  
  
Raziel: So tell me, must I listen to your babble for the rest of the day?  
  
EG: You have no higher purpose than this. You have no higher destiny – only this.  
  
Raziel: Just go to Jerry Springers, for God's sake! Hey, I said your name again!  
  
EG: RAAAAGH!!!  
  
A phone rings. The Elder snatches it with one of his testicl- TENTACLES!  
  
EG: DAMNIT! Hello? Oh, hi. Raz, it's your mom.  
  
Raz: I don't wanna talk to her!  
  
EG: Accept your calling, Raziel. Let go of these vain hopes. Relinguish your will, and feed!  
  
Raziel: I'm on the phone, bitch! (shoots the Elder)  
  
EG: AOUW! Hey, how about calling for a pizza?  
  
Raziel (exhausted): No.  
  
EG: What do you profit from this DEFIANCE?  
  
Raziel: A good dental plan, a badass bed, groupies, and other good things.  
  
EG: I meant-  
  
Raziel: Oh, who cares what you meant?  
  
EG: Why are you so annoying?  
  
Raz: Because you're cute when you're angry. Not that I'm interested in dating you.  
  
EG: I'M NOT GAY!  
  
Raziel: yeah, keep telling that to yourself.  
  
EG: My patience is eternal, Raziel. How many eons can you bear to languish here?  
  
Raziel: Longer than you can. I've been married.  
  
EG: Well, in that case, I lose.  
  
Raz: Yep.  
  
EG: The Wheel of Fate must turn; all are redeemed in the cleansing agony of birth, death and rebirth. (straps Raziel to the Wheel Of Fortune, and spins him)  
  
Raziel (spinning): OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! (pukes. This scene is kind of like the love scene in Scary Movie. Except it puke, instead of "milk". God, I really am a sick bastard, aren't I? Deal with it!)  
  
EG: How do ya like them apples, Razzy? This is the engine of life - the purifying rhythm of the universe to which all souls are irresistibly drawn.  
  
Raziel: Purifying? More like pukifying.  
  
EG: That is awful!  
  
Raziel: Can't deal with my personality, eh? Suck on it. Suck it long, and suck it hard!  
  
EG: Yours is a necessary and noble function, Raziel.  
  
Razzy: I don't' think you heard what I said........  
  
EG: Obey your God!  
  
Raziel: Enough of your sermonizing! Are you trying to bore me into submission? Why must this game go on? We both know what you are. You're no better than the vampires you so despise; a voracious parasite, cloaking it's appetite in a shroud of righteousness. I refuse to do your will.  
  
EG: Look into my eyes...........  
  
Raziel: (does so)  
  
EG: I can see into your heart, Raziel.  
  
Raz: As long as it's not done from anywhere else.  
  
EG: It is not your will, but cowardice that keeps you here.  
  
Raziel: How so?  
  
EG: Oh, get a grip, man! You know what I'm talking about! You know what fate awaits you when you leave the underworld. That phantom weapon you bear is a constant reminder, isn't it? The sword is waiting for you out there somewhere, and you tarry so as not to meet it.  
  
Raz: Tarry-?  
  
EG: BWAHAHAH!  
  
Raz: I could not deny it. As long as I lingered here, defying my captor, I was able to postpone what I feared was my inevitable doom; to become the ravenous spirit imprisoned in the Reaver blade. But that sentence was no worse than the stalemate I now endured. Better to face one's destiny than cower from it.  
  
EG: Excellent! Now obey my orders!  
  
Raz: Wha-? Did I say that out loud? WHO FUKED UP THE VOICEOVER MACHINE?!  
  
EG: Vorador has been busy.  
  
Raz: That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard!  
  
EG: Deal with it! Harvester of Souls, I created you. And to this function, my Angel of Death, you will return.  
  
Raz: Angel Of Death? You've been listening to Slayer again, haven't you?  
  
EG: Angel of Death, monarch to the kingdom of the dead........  
  
Raz: Enough!  
  
EG: If the souls good tastes a bit, you must submit.  
  
Raz: Uhh, right. Sure.  
  
EG: Very good. Indulge your hunger.  
  
Raziel swallows the soul.  
  
EG: Swallow it, Raz.  
  
Raz: I bet you'd like that.  
  
EG: Wha-? Oh, I asked for that one myself. Yes. Embrace your calling, Raziel. You will find that just as defiance has it's Price-  
  
Raziel: 19.95 dollars in a cheap retail store!  
  
EG: Shut up! So obedience has it's reward.  
  
He "opens" a "door", so Raziel can get out.  
  
Raziel: And defiance is not always what it seems! (runs away funnily)  
  
EG: Wait, what did you mean by that? Come on, what did you mean?  
  
Raziel comes to a cliff with a mist below.  
  
Raziel: Wow, Soul Reaver 1 flashback! Below me swirled an ominous looking mist. I knew that if I fell, it would mean my peril, even though I can't die.  
  
The Elder blocks the exit with his tentacles.  
  
EG: I was gonna let you get away easily, but then you said that thing you said, so I got confused.  
  
Raz: What's wrong with you?!  
  
EG: Eat soul! (slams Raziel with souls)  
  
Raz: OW!  
  
EG: Do you think your worthiness is so easily proved? Your way is sealed until you have proved further obedience.  
  
Raz: As long as I'm not supposed to be your prison bitch, I'm cool with it. I guess I must feed you, before I depart this place.  
  
EG: You must feed yourself, Raziel.  
  
Raz: Yeah, right! The wheel must turn, remember?  
  
EG: Ah – now you understand.  
  
Raz (thinking to himself): Man, is he dense? I'm janking his chain! Of course I disagree with that twisted philosophy of his! Screw this! (consumes the souls)  
  
EG: You may go. But remember, you are MINE!  
  
Raz: Ew........  
  
EG: I'm not gay, damnit! You can no more escape from me, than you can escape yourself.  
  
Raziel (muttering under his breath): Yeah, we'll see about that!  
  
In the next room, the door is once again testicled- I MEAN, TENTACLED!  
  
EG: I give up!  
  
Sluaghs appear.  
  
Raz: You want this room cleared of it's vermin.  
  
EG: Only because they stole ma porn stash!  
  
Raz (shocked): Elder God..... pr0n.....horrible mental image......Mind shuts down! (turns into goo)  
  
EG: whoops! Shouldn't have said that. (re-does time.)  
  
Raz: You want this room cleared of it's vermin.  
  
EG: Yeah.......... If you wish to leave it.  
  
Raz (SARCASTICALLY, DAMNIT!): Your will be done.  
  
EG (not getting the sarcasm) (dumbass): My good servant.  
  
Raziel beats up the sluaghs, with the reaver, and his UBER-SUCKY ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS (!). The Elder opens.  
  
EG: You see? Obediance brins promt rewards.  
  
Raz: I'm beginning to feel like Tony Blair here.  
  
In the next room, Raziel is appearently trying to sneak away, but the Elder speaks.  
  
EG: Where do you think yer bitch-arse is going, little soul?  
  
Raz: What's with the ghetto-lingo?  
  
EG: shut up!  
  
The mist starts to rise. Raziel runs for the top, but due to the camera having UBER-POTENT ABILITIES OF ANNOYANCE, WHEN YOU'RE NEW TO THIS GAME (!). God!  
  
EG: You were calling?  
  
Shut up!  
  
EG: You can't escape!  
  
Raz: We'll see about that!  
  
EG: Raziel.........  
  
Raz: Yeah?  
  
He doesn't say anything.  
  
Raz: Annoying bastard.  
  
EG: Clever Raziel, clever indeed.  
  
Raz: That you're annoying? Got that right.  
  
EG: I've endured your game long enough!  
  
Raz: Then get another contract, Tony. I don't care, that you've been with us since the beginning, we're getting sick of your complaints!  
  
EG: Uhh, it's just part of the script.......  
  
Raz: Oh yeah.  
  
He gets out of the cave, by doing some fancy Matrix moves on a nearby cliff.  
  
EG: NO! (busts the cave)  
  
Raziel: Hey, he can't get out! HAH! I got out anyway, you old fart! Clearly my escape had not been anticipated, since he flipped out so much about it. I swear, he obsesses over me! It's quite disturbing. Well, I managed to piss him off a little, so that's a victory. Now, let me just get out of here. How about..... No..... Ouch! There's a stone in my shoe!  
  
?: But you don't' have shoes!  
  
Raz: Ed?  
  
Ed: BOOYAH!  
  
Raz: Do I have to deal with you?  
  
Ed: No, I'll be going again, I just had to make that little smartass comment.  
  
Raz: Riiiiiiiiight.  
  
Ed disappears. Raz find an opening with water.  
  
Raz: In spectral realm, you can't swim. Simple as that. Which means I won't be able to get up there yet. (talking to the opening way up.) Oh well. I'll see you again, once I get into material.......  
  
He finds a closed door.  
  
Raz: From my spectral position, I'm able to conduct, that there's supposed to be an artifact there, if I want to get through there. I'm so smart.  
  
He moves on, and finds a spectral conduict. He moves towards it.  
  
EG: Did you think you'd receive the same favours after your rebellion as before? No, Raziel, I have no need for a- hey, where did he go?  
  
Raz (In the material realm): He'd get a lot more stuff done, if he didn't talk so much.  
  
He gets out in the outside area. Then for fun, he switches to spectral. Dumbass.  
  
Raz: wraiths! CRAP!  
  
So! 5 reviews once again! After all, it's the first Defiance parody. 


	3. FINALLY a new chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING in this story! Okay?!  
  
Kudos  
  
Tomlette: Dinner's served! BOOYAH!  
  
Mortalsora: Yep, he's badass.  
  
HealerAriel: The camera is a general nuisance! I FREAKING HATE IT!  
  
Abbil: Y'know, it really would be smarter to play the game first.  
  
ShadesOfBlood: Well, Vorador's a pervy bastard, especially in these stories of mine.  
  
Omega-boy: Yeah, consciences sucks!  
  
Mikoto Zoku: I'm such a piss-taker!!!  
  
A/N: Okay folks, I know it's been a while. School is mostly to blame. If you disregard my extreme laziness, of course. I have vacation now, you see, so I don't really wanna do anything, where I myself write. Nonetheless, here is a chapter for you. And in case anyone reports me to FF.net for something, that I don't know what could be, then listen to me, FF.net: Please tell me what I've done wrong, so I'll be warned before I do something like it again. And you really also should tell everybody else. It must be aggravating, to be banned, and not know the reason.  
  
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So back in the stronghold. Kain has to defeat the shadowy creatures again. Despite killing them in the first chapter.  
  
Kain: SONUVA-  
  
They slap him around a bit.  
  
Kain: Stop that!  
  
They knock him down.  
  
Kain: I hate you!!!!!!!!  
  
He starts glowing.  
  
Kain: Trance! Badass!!!!!!  
  
Corey jumps out the nearby water. He slaps Kain in the head.  
  
Corey: You're not a Final Fantasy character, dipshit!  
  
Kain: Who you call 'dipshit'?!  
  
He smacks Corey upwards with his sword, then jumps up, and smacks him down.  
  
Corey: You'll pay for that! Hadoken!  
  
Kain: You're not Black Mag-  
  
BOOM!  
  
Kain (soothed): .....................................Owchies! I'll cut you so you bleed!  
  
Corey: Isn't that the whole point of cutting?  
  
Kain: bite me!  
  
Corey: I could say the same to you.  
  
Kain: No vampire jokes, damnit!  
  
Corey: But it's a vampire game!  
  
Kain: Damnit!  
  
Corey kicks him in the back of the head.  
  
Kain (swinging his reaver around): I'll-  
  
Vorador: "swinging his reaver around" sounds soooooooooo kinky!  
  
Before Kain can do anything, two shades has grabbed Vorador's arms, and a third is pounding him.  
  
Kain: Hey, that's pretty cool!  
  
Corey: That'll teach him not to make perverted comments! Impressionable kids could be reading this (A/N: Despite the PG-13 rating!)!  
  
Kain: Yeah!  
  
He stabs Corey in the stomach, who consequentially kicks him in the spine. They continue fighting.  
  
Shade 1 (done beating Vorador): Ohh, that's gotta hurt!  
  
Shade 2 (this guy's done beating Vorador, too): Ooof, right in the nutsack!  
  
Shade 1 (still done beating Vorador): Now he's beating him with the statue, that Moebius was talking to! Doesn't that count as blasphemy?  
  
Shade 2 (now it's just getting stupid!): Who cares?  
  
Shade 3 (No, this guy is still beating Vorador.): Y'know what I like about this fic? I like the blatant ripoffs, the stereotypic religious jokes, the stupid returning jokes, the gross jokes, and the lack of originality.  
  
The other 2 shades look at him.  
  
Shade 3 (Man, Vorador is being bashed so good right now!): I mean, the fact that he was the first to make a real Defiance parody?  
  
Shade 1 (this guy is still not beating Vorador anymore): ..........Should we kill him?  
  
Shade 2 (There's a severe lack of Vorador-beating from this guy, y'know): Not while the audience is watching.  
  
Shade 3: Uh-oh. I better go. (guess what, people, you've been had. He stopped beating Vorador at the same time as the others. SUCKERS!)  
  
The 3 shades look at Kain and Corey, who stand right in front of them, both very bloody.  
  
Kain: ............  
  
Corey: ...........  
  
Shade 1 (I don't think this guy knows how to beat up Vorador): ............  
  
Shade 2 (Maybe one should give them a hint on how to beat Vorador up): ..................  
  
Shade 3 (Like I said, you had been fooled in the case of this guy): .....................  
  
Kain: BOH!  
  
Shade 1 (doesn't quite know how to beat Vorador up): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Shade 2 (It's easy, you just lure him nearby with a copy of Playboy): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Shade 3 (you'd think they'd listen to my tips, but noooooo): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
All 3 shades rush out of the room as fast as possible.  
  
Kain: It's getting harder and harder to reach that 7 page minimum, that CoaD says we need.  
  
Corey: Could that explain the pointlessness?  
  
Kain: let me put it this way, if he wasn't making fun of Defiance, he wouldn't have any plot at all!  
  
Corey: What about the predator story?  
  
Case in point.  
  
Corey: What, you didn't like it?  
  
No.  
  
Kain: It sucked!  
  
(I have effectively insulted all those, who said they liked it. Take that!)  
  
Corey: Fawk-tard!  
  
I wonder if that insult will get me banned. Anyway, Corey is suddenly on top of a giant catapult, and is viciously slammed through the wall. He's gone...........for now.  
  
Kain: Finally!  
  
He examines the Falcon Insignia. Or something like that.  
  
Kain: This artifact seemed as though it was made for that unusual lock. I can't imagine whatever the hell else this bigass key could be used for. Now the door could be opened, since I couldn't actually unbalance the game, by creating a huge fireball, and slamming it through the door. No no, that would make me "unbalanced" to Raziel, despite the fact, that he's a mere wraith, and I'm a demi-god. Stupid Raziel. I could be done with the game by now!  
  
Stop ranting and get moving!  
  
Kain: Bastard.  
  
He goes back to the courtyard.  
  
Kain: Malek, the great sarafan warrior; I had met him before. His sword and shield seemed to have gone ashtray. Damn smoke........ (coughs)  
  
He gets swarmed by soldiers, kills them, and probably gains some new fight ability. What do I know, it's been a while. He finds a guard on the ledge, where there's a gate to the training room. How that guard got up there, I don't know. Kain slips through, and grabs the guard from behind.  
  
Guard: RAPE!  
  
Kain: OI!  
  
Guard: Sorry, reflex.  
  
Kain: Oh, o- wait, I don't even wanna think about that. Where is your bastar- where's your master?  
  
Guard: In the tower.  
  
Kain: Good. (snaps the neck of the guard)  
  
Meanwhile, all the yaoi-obsessed LoK fans swoon over the voice, that Kain used, since they're sick bastards! (Just joking, yer panty-wadders!!!)  
  
So anyway, Kain moves on, moves a block around, and finds Malek's shield.  
  
Kain: Malek's missing shield. I hated to restore his dignity (pukes), but I would need to return this to his monument, before I could continue.  
  
Some shades pop up.  
  
Shade 4 (This guy is not part of the "Beat-Vorador"-crew): Hi.  
  
Kain: Not this again!  
  
He whips out a bazooka, and kills all the shades, that pop up.He returns to the courtyard, and places the shield on the statue. He consequentially gets shot by arrows.  
  
Kain: Ow!  
  
So he moves up to the ledge.  
  
Kain: ..........  
  
Archer 1 (These guys are not shades, and therefore doesn't beat up Vora-)  
  
Kain: SCREW THIS!  
  
He quickly kills all nearby archers, by means of massive destruction. Then, he moves on and finds the sword of Malek.  
  
Kain: Malek's sword belonged in his right hand. However distasteful this errand was, I would return it to it's proper place.  
  
Sarafan 1 (these guys aren't shades, either, so they also don't have anything with the brutalizing of Vorador): Why are you so angry with our noble leader?  
  
Sarafan 2 (You know, I'm getting pretty tired of writing about how this and that person isn't part of the people, who beats Vorador. And besides, if I keep it up, Crystarr might sue me.): Yeah, what has he ever done to you?  
  
Sarafan 3 (No, this guy is not familiar with the fine art of beating up Vorador): You guys haven't heard? Malek kicked his behind!  
  
Sarafan 2 (They're probably too primitive for that fine art, anyway): His "behind"?  
  
Sarafan 3 (Oh great, South Park jokes coming up!): I have to say behind, because I have a V-chip in me, so I get shocked if I say "ass"- (gets zapped) Ow!  
  
Kain: I gotta get out of this madhouse!  
  
He kills all the guards, then leaves with the sword.  
  
Sarafan 4 (Noticed how I didn't make a Beating-Vorador related joke with the last Sarafan guard? Well, those fugly jokes are back now): Got beaten, eh? I bet that's the only reason for your extreme misanthropia.  
  
Kain therefore kills the guard.  
  
Kain: Damn bastards.  
  
He gets back, jumps down to the statue, then gets zapped by magic.  
  
Kain: DAMNIT!  
  
So he runs up there, and kills everything in sight. Then he places the sword on Malek's statue.  
  
Kain: This stupid tower now lay open to me. I looked forward to kicking Moebius' ass for last time. Prepare, Moebius, you are about to get whooped!  
  
Then he finds a reaver-power.......-upper...... Yeah.  
  
Kain: dumbass. This thingy-majingy flied upwards, and started humping my reaver. Rather nasty, but at least I somehow now have a fire-ability, despite this being an "Inspire-Hate" spell thingy. Well, whatever. I can now light these thingys in this room, since I'm currently locked in............SCREW THIS!  
  
He hurls a fireball at said door. Then he gets attacked by Sarafans, and wage unholy war on a few bridges.  
  
Kain: BOOYAH!  
  
Then after some brazier-illumination (I've just seen Demolition Man), and some "weird-ledge" jumping, he comes to the room, with Moebius in it. He kicks the door in, and it splinters.  
  
Kain: Hmm, this will make a great blooper.  
  
Moebius: We don't have bloopers, Kain.  
  
Kain: Wha- CRAP!  
  
Moebius: Here you are, at last. I see you found a fragment of the Balance Emblem. This will be of even further use to you, if you can find the other three. Now, shall we?  
  
Kain: Indeed. But on a somewhat different......handing.  
  
Moebius: It's "footing", you dumbass!  
  
Kain: Whatever!  
  
Kain fukes Moebius up with his UBER-POTENT POWERS OF TELEKINESIS (!) (now was it "POWERS" that I used to say?) and also removes Moebius' staff.  
  
Kain: Now, let us contine this stupid chat.  
  
Kain reaches towards Moebius and seizes him telekinetically, raising him off his feet and drawing Moebius before him. Moebius claws at his neck.  
  
Kain: Now what do you have to tell me, Moebius?  
  
Moebius: Your breath stinks.  
  
Kain: Wha- Why, you're right! (eats a mint)  
  
Moebius: Also, you really should do something about your skin, Kain.  
  
Kain: What the hell?! Have you been hired for "Queer eye for the straight guy"?  
  
Moebius: Yeah.  
  
Kain: I KILL YOU TILL YOU DIE!  
  
Moebius: I'll live forever or die trying! Uhh, I mean: You cannot kill me. We both know that is not how, or when, I die.  
  
Kain: We'll see, once Mr. Ugly-Fugly gets introduced to Mr. Bam-Bam. (pulls out the bazooka)  
  
Moebius: You think that scares me?  
  
Kain: Death is not the only possible outcome.  
  
Moebius: You sound like the elder god!  
  
Kain: You're not supposed to know that!  
  
Kain plays around with his telekinesis, choking Moebius and other fun activities.  
  
Moebius: GET MY ASS OUT OF THE FIRE-PLACE!!!!!!  
  
His ass is now on fire.  
  
Moebius: HOLY SHIT! I hate you, you old bastard!  
  
Kain: Just because I started to need glasses...........  
  
Moebius: Your delusion of fulfilling the Vampires' foolish prophecies have badly distorted your judgment. And Raziel is not what you think.  
  
Kain: Have you been in my mind? I FEEL USED!  
  
Moebius: OI!  
  
Kain flings him into a corner.  
  
Moebius: So, you prevented Raziel's soul from entering the Reaver. Do you believe for a moment that by this you have averted your fate? Or his? Or that of Nosgoth itself? Your manipulations are pathetic!  
  
Kain (choking Moebius with his TK): I find your lack of faith disturbing.  
  
Moebius: cough.......Rip......ack.....off!  
  
Kain: Yet Raziel retains his free will. And that's what frightens you isn't it, Moebius? You cannot see his paths, and so you cannot control it.  
  
Moebius: And neither can you. Yes, Raziel is shrouded from us, but we see the ripples of his potential actions. And every path he might choose leads to the same outcome: he will kill you, Kain. In sparing Raziel, you have written your own death sentence.  
  
Kain: That's rich, coming from the guy, who showed up at Vorador's execution, despite knowing that I was gonna come and kill you!  
  
Moebius: Well, y'know, with Vorador receiving pain and all............  
  
Kain: Ah yeah, good point. Hey wait! You still have not answered the question I came to ask; where is Raziel?  
  
He hurls Moebius into the ground, and slams him around like a rubber-ball.  
  
Moebius: Aow! He is not, in the true sense, "here". Not now.  
  
Kain: ENOUGH WITH THAT FUGLY JOKE! It sucks!  
  
Moebius: You're just jealous of my comedic wit!  
  
Kain: Don't try my patience, Moebius. What have you done with him?  
  
Moebius rises to his feet, behind him, from the high vantage point of the Tower's balcony, we can see the Pillars of Nosgoth, not yet corrupted, rising above the landscape. I don't see the need to tell you this, since you've hopefully completed the game, or at least this part, and therefore should know this. Otherwise, your loss.  
  
MOEBIUS: He is contained. In time, it may be safe to release him. His destiny must be completed- he will enter the sword. But until that time, he is dangerous, far more dangerous than you could understand.  
  
Kain (summons two gigantic fireballs): He can just go right ahead, and TRY!  
  
Moebius: In time, you too will submit to the awesome might of "Queer eye for the straight guy"!  
  
Kain: And your incontrovertible evidence?  
  
Moebius: Your long hair.  
  
Kain: Oh yea- Hey! Screw you! Just tell me how to proceed in this damn game!  
  
Moebius: The answers are plain, if you know where to look. Go west of the Pillars, there you will find a testament written in stone.  
  
Kain: The ten commandments?  
  
Moebius: .........No! (vanishes)  
  
Kain: But stones, too, can lie.  
  
Corey pops in from the window.  
  
Corey: No they can't. They can't even talk!  
  
Kain: You're ruining the ending of this chapter, you bastiche!  
  
Kain Kicks Corey through the window.  
  
Corey (voice fading in the distance): Damn you, Kain! One day we'll meet again!  
  
Kain: Whatever!  
  
A chair falls on his head.  
  
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Standard. 5 reviews. Preferably a lot more. Now.  
  
God, I'm never gonna finish that Evil Dead parody. 


End file.
